"I come in peace hoping we can be good friends bcos I think it would not be suitable if we were a couple" [joshua]

"You makin it sound as though I were the only one havings problems... I guess bcos you dowan to spoil my image of you thats y you so unnatural..." [joshua]

"Thats why it didnt work our right... We have to face it mic... Thats life... Glad you know wads wrong at least." [joshua]

"Ok... Remember... You have all the time you need... And that you being sad doesnt make me feel much better alright? Take care... I still love you, as a friend..." [joshua]

"Lolz...Relax la sis...U so kan chion 4 wad...Haha,I will help u de but nt nw,he may have fallen asleep n sayin tat might sumhow irritate him... I do hope u 2 can b tgt
too,but back to the main prob,u 2 refuse to communicate like bf/gf...How can the r/s go on if theres no communication...Muz tink over it" [alson]

"... ...U are mad... ...He told me tis,I tink I ought to tell u..."i dowanna luv her shell,I wanna luv her"...Hope tis helps u in dreamin of him...Lolz" [alson]



These are the sms-es either Alson or Joshua sent me yesterday. When I saw the first, fourth and last msg I felt so experated. Especially the last one. It made me realise my mistake. But its too late. I wish they'd told me earlier. Now its too late to make amends. Just too late.

When reading those three sms-es I cried all three times. I couldnt control myself. I kept scolding myself for being so weak. I went to watch tv, to try to divert my thoughts. But when I set my eyes on the screen I thought of him. I dont think I ever have a chance with him again. I had my chance and I lost it.

I'm feeling so devastated and empty. Like something's missing in my life. This kind of things keep happening and happening. It wasnt easy for me to push bensee to the back of my mind for the sake of Joshua. It wasnt easy trying and trying to be myself, and not a "shell", as he calls it. It wasnt easy bringing myself to believe another person's promise of never leaving me. I've tried to ask him out again, in spending two days thinking, what should I say to start conversations. Thinking, what would be appropriate for me to say, and what would be inappropriate. When I agreed when my younger sister told me to go with her to meet Amanda, so at the same time I could see bensee, the moment I stepped in the shopping centre at Dhoby Ghaut I felt so guilty, so remorseful. I felt I was doing something wrong. I walked out of the shopping centre with a guilty conscience. I felt I was betraying Joshua of some kind. I told myself, I had to tell Joshua that I havent gotten over bensee yet, as there was still a bit of me that always thought of him.

I told myself, on the night of the concert, sms him, strike up a conversation. Then slowly tell him. But even before I could tell him I, stupidly, had started an arguement.

But now, I dont regret not telling him. Would he have bothered. I think he's gotten over me already, anw. he said he'd treasure the memories we've had together. I felt like asking him, what memories? The only memory I have over this is when we had a disagreement, and when we were struggling to talk, like friends, and not awkwardly walking around in silence.

This is all so experating. I dont know what I'm going to do about this. Sometimes I really wonder, why is life so unfair. I would have thought I've lost him. But, no. I've not lost him. Because you cant lose what you never had.